


is anyone there

by Anonymous



Category: Original Work
Genre: Self-Harm, Suicide, dont look at this lmao, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 10:08:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21390403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: in order to find the comfort of being acknowledged, i need to face the horror of being known
Comments: 1
Collections: Anonymous





	is anyone there

Okay so story time! Back in march after having a panic attack over someone possibly committing suicide i decided to stop thinking about suicide and i remedied my extremely suicidal thoughts by trying to stop making suicidal jokes and remarks and you know what? it fucking worked! it took a long time and at some points i reverted back to it but it fucking worked and in summer i didn't want to die anymore and i felt okay and everything was fucking okay and i was happy even when i couldn't talk to people i was happy. but now school's started and the only times when anything has any meaning at all is when im talking to someone and the moment i get home and get left alone it feels like there's nothing fucking there and i was never actually happy at all and god isn't that just fucking ridiculous. im so fucking sick of being alive it's not a joke anymore i can't even stop thinking about ending existence because i don't even joke or talk about it anymore so what the hell am i supposed to do now? it's not even death at this point it's just all numbness and nothing and i just want something to happen, i want something to break that nothingness and i want to feel fucking okay again. im sticking around because im fucking terrified of what will happen if i don't what will happen if i die but god fucking dammit it's getting harder because i'm so fucking sick and tired of feeling like this and it feel like the only reason im still around is for someone else. and i can't even think about how every moment im alive even if that moment fucking hurts and fucking sucks it will have been worth living because that moment will have meant something because i felt something from it. if i feel something that means that instant my life was worth living. but that philosophy doesn't even work anymore because one of the people who helped make it is fucking dead from suicide lmfao what kinda fucking irony and i don't even feel anything anymore so doesn't that mean it's not worth anything??? i want to fucking feel something i want to fucking feel something i want to fucking feel something i want to be happy i want to be angry i'd even want to be fucking sad it'd be fucking better than being fucking nothing. this is why people drink i get it now this is why depressed people drink so that the nothing is bearable but i can't even do that because i'm too wrapped up in being okay so other people will be okay and it's not like i have it bad i have everything fine im just not grateful for it and don't know how to be better i want to fucking hur t  
  
i feel so fucking fake talking to other people and saying things like "things are gonna get better" and "everything's gonna be okay" and god god i want to believe that so much i want to believe it for myself and everyone else and i know it's going to happen but im, so fucking tired. im so tired of waiting and being nothing in the meantime is so fucking insufferable i just want it to stop just stop for a fucking moment i want to forget that other people exist and that the world exists and just be for a moment until i can figure out what to feel hurt or happy about  
  
last year i had no fucking idea how to deal with this so i fucked up. i did stupid shit i lashed out i acted mean so people would look at me and see me as what i saw myself as i pushed people away and got angry when they distanced themselves and in the end it didn't work it just made me feel worse and this year i don't know what else to do. last year i started pouring myself into making things for other people to like and that helped! it helped a lot! it made me feel wanted by people i didn't even know and that was so fucking liberating from people who knew me for the mess i was it game me hope that i could do better that i could be good but now i can't even do that because i don't have the time or brain power to do so and neither do they have the time or energy to listen to my nonsense they've moved on and so should i and im not mad i just wished i hadn't relied on their validation so much because how pathetic is that needing assurance from other people to love myself hahhashfal  
  
there was a period of time where i spouted every nonsensical angry and hurt and sad thought in my head into an empty chat until someone found it and now i can't even do that because i can only imagine how overwhelming it must be to log onto an old account and see several years' worth of my angsting and suicidal ideation on their doorstep and not knowing what to do or what to say and having to go to other fucking people to understand what the fuck is wrong with me ahahahahahahahahahahah im not mad i just wish i had the foresight to predict this i think i wanted someone to find it i think i wanted someone to notice and realize and fucking do something do anything tell me to either get help or die i don't know i just wanted something to happen but nothing ever did and when it did i didn't know what to do. multiple people have told me it's okay to talk to them and to vent to them because that's what they do to me but i don't have. any problems. my life is fine. i am fine. i don't have outward issues with my family or future except for the fact that im not satisfied with either which is ridiculous because both are perfectly sound and im just greedy and how fucking stupid pathetic ridiculous is that to go and complain about my own life to people with things that run deeper that i can imagine

people tell me to just talk to them and that they can listen and it's okay and honestly i do try ive tried it i tried talking to them but the temporary relief of being known is nothing compared to the guilt later because i know they have it worse off ive seen them have it worse off i know my best friend is almost homeless and another is trans and closeted in a bad environment and another has a family that blames them for all their problems while trying to get through their abuse and another has a mother that hates them and and and!!!! i have a family that loves me i have a mom who cares about me and a dad who's around and a brother who's perfect and funny and nice and im so fucking greedy am i not satisfied with my family? of course not because i had to go and decide that i was fucking queer that it'd be cool to be the fucking queer in a family of straight-laced people as though i was just looking from problems to make for myself and now im confused as to whether i really am queer or not like!!! if i was just trans that'd be fucking fine that'd make sense but no i can't fucking choose i can never fucking choose im just the same stupid little kid from middle school trying to feel special except now i hate myself for it. i want to talk to someone i want someone to know that im so fucked up but i can't and i won't and im imploding on myself with all this nonsense inside of me i can't breathe with it i can't live with it it hurts like a physical thing i want it to stop i wish i didn't think at all i want to stop thinking please please please please please pleaseplease  
  
not to get venty on main i get really sick of myself sometimes bc the whole method im using to make myself get better is telling myself i'm already better. like i stopped making "i wanna die" jokes a few months ago and i try to think about it as less as possible even in the joking context and it worked, it got better, i stopped wanting to die and all summer and up to now i felt fine. i felt great. but now it's starting to feel less okay and what do i do, i can't go "oh just stop making jokes" i wasn't making any jokes to begin with nor was i really even thinking about it just kinda happened. and it's not even wanting seppuku or anything like it's just, i don't even know. i feel like im lying to so many people when all i want to do is genuinely get better, and the moment i stop i know it'll all start going to shit and it'll be just like last year but worse and all that work and stuff will go down the drain. i don't know what to do other than keep going, which is probably the best and all i can do, but god i'm so tired. the moment i stop is the moment i'll probably die but until i've put some distance between myself and all the shit that's trying to fuck me up i can't stop, no matter how stupid exhausted i get. i want to get better for myself but also for others, for my family, for my friends, for the people who care about me but it's getting harder to convince myself of that. im slowing down. i can't slow down. god im so fucking tired i just need it all to stop i don't want to die


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